Today I was coaching a client and asked the question, “What’s the story you are telling yourself about that relationship?”
The Story. Yep, the story.
I’ve been to a number of different personal development sessions where this concept comes out – Landmark Education, Coaching Certification, and the book Language and the pursuit of happiness. This concept of story is something very powerful when you can just stand with it. Live with it. Own it. And then get to choose – how is it serving me?
Think about that relationship in your life where you might benefit from a deeper connection. Maybe it’s your brother, you boss or barista at your favorite coffee shop. What’s the story you have about that relationship?
Once you’ve become aware of the story that you have – get yourself clear about what it truly is. What if the story was written a different way? (your brain might shift to autopilot and convince yourself it’s can’t possibly be another way than it currently is today, or it’s not possible to change – because they aren’t going to change!) As a coach, I’m not really interesting in spending the time and energy around why it can’t change – I’m interested in “if you want the story to change, what can you do to rewrite it?” Here’s how:
- Create the story you want to live in. What is the story that would make you jump for joy, throw your hands up, pee your pants because – holy crap, I never knew it could be that good. Describe that story. Write it down. What is the story you want to create?
- If you got to live in that story – what would be different for you? What does this story sound like? look like? smell like? What does this story evoke in your heart, head and soul? (write down a few notes about this)
- And if you had that, what would you have? It might be a fuller relationships, a sense of letting go, peace, harmony…what else might it be for you?
- Move to action to live in this story. Identify 25 things YOU will do to show up in a way that lives this new story. (BTW this list is about you, not the other person)
Doing this simple exercise to repair, renew, revive a relationship in your life might have a profound impact. I don’t know if it ends happily ever after. I just know today might be uniquely different from days in the story of the past.
What’s it worth to you to see how you can rewrite the stories of your life - or better yet, what are you risking if you don’t?
Spend a winter in Minnesota.
It was in the elevator at work today that I heard a colleague say “Isn’t it a great day out today?” I’ve spent the last number of years in MN so I eagerly nodded and said, “Yes, it’s amazing what the bright sun and crisp glare of fresh snow can have on a day.” That, and we both loved that it was 35 degrees today. Yes, 35 degrees (F)!
Why is it, if you are reading this in sunny SoCal, you must think we have lost our minds.
Or, if this was June, and all things being the same: 35 degrees, sunny with fresh dusting of snow – I’d sound like a loon.
It’s all a matter of perspective – we simply got too comfortable in the deep freeze. And it wasn’t until we could thaw out that we could shift our perspective and see something from a different point of view.
Want to add some new ideas, new way of looking at things – shift your perspective.
Ask yourself these questions to glimpse into a new perspective:
- What would someone from Minnesota say about that?
- How might Olympic Gold Medalist Lindsey Vohn approach it? (also from MN)
- What might the courageous you say to this?
- How might (insert anyone other than yourself) do in this situation?
and let their perspective shape yours. Who’s perspective would you like to learn from?
Do you ever pay attention to how you are listening? More importantly, what are you listening for?
I typically start my workshops off with some sort of goal setting by the participants. I’ll ask individuals to set a goal they have for themselves as a result of attending the session. My intention is to have them answer the dreaded what’s in it for me question.
I have the participants write this down on a 3×5 card or a giant post-it. Something they can keep in front of them during our time together. After they have completed this, I then follow it up with these simple instructions:
“Now, listen for this as the content of the workshop starts to unfold.”
This simple instruction can create a filter, a perspective, a point of view in which to hear everything from. It’s the easiest – and quickest – way for me to get learning to stick for individuals and tie back into the goal they have created for themselves.
When we start to LISTEN FOR something, we start to make connections. We also start to be engaged as learners. As learners we start creating meaning for the content that is being shared. It’s when learners can create context and relationship where real change in performance can occur.
So, what are you listening for today?
Getting feedback can be vital to growth and development. Many managers don’t give feedback (1) often enough, or (2) in a way in which people can hear it. Some managers don’t like to get feedback themselves and therefore, when they dole it out their staff really don’t want to hear it. As a manager, someone responsible for the development of their employees, it’s important to also be open to receiving feedback. Try using the Coach Approach to giving and receiving feedback.
Next time you have a one-on-one with an employee (I hope you ARE having these), and you want to give some feedback how about starting your conversation like this?
Let’s talk about the communications project you recently completed. On a scale of 1 – 10 (1 low, 10 high) how did it go?
When the employee gives a number, ask “What would have made it a 10?” And then listen, really listen. You might also be able to add your input, but this comes after your employee has had a chance to tell you some ways in which they could’ve made it a 1o.
Now, what’s going to make this dialogue even better is when your employee has a higher level of trust with you. How do you increase your trust? Simple. Start asking for feedback yourself. And use the Coach Approach. I heard a story from a coach who used this with his son. He’d routinely check-in and ask, “So Johnny, on a scale of 1-10 how was I as a dad today?” Gutsy, right? Yep! You need to be open to what the number is – and following up by asking, “what would have made you say 10?”
Ask the question.
Be open to the response.
And see what you might be able to do differently next time.
On a scale of 1-10, how useful is this method for you in getting feedback?
(What would have made it a 10?)
